BOOK NOTES

Thinking about your problems does not solve them. Mostly, no one is coming to save you. Anxiety, fear, excuses, and inaction usually prevails. Mel Robbins TEDx talk became one of the most watched ever as she shared her now famous 5 Second Rule and it’s 5-4-3-2-1-countdown. It’s about action. Start counting down and then do something! Or high five yourself in the mirror—a fast way to rewire your mindset for self-confidence. Both of these ideas are about self-improvement. The LET THEM theory is about your relationship with other people.

The LET THEM theory is about freedom from the burden of managing others over which you have no control. They hold no power over you unless you let them. Reclaim your time, focus, and peace of mind. Free your brain space of silly worries, annoyances, and drama. Here are some examples from Robbins: Let people dislike the photo you posted online…let relatives be judgmental of your career choices…let your mother-in-law disagree with your parenting. You get the idea. Not everyone or everything is worth the energy.

All human beings are hard wired for a need to control. But the only person you are in control of is YOU. It also isn’t about giving in. It’s releasing yourself from control you never had to begin with. The more you try to control things you can’t, the more anxious and stressed you become. Why do we do it? Fear of not being liked, being excluded, or things falling apart. True power lies in our responses —- especially choosing them. It’s strength. It’s why ML King chose peace. People hold no real power over you unless you give them that power.

LET ME

The second part of Robbin’s theory is let me. If you only say let them, you may find yourself without friends or plans. When you say LET ME, you take responsibility for what you do next. It’s the opposite of judgement. LET ME is about compassion, empowerment, and personal responsibility. It’s about taking responsibility for what you want in life. (***Her theory is about adults …you can use with kids but with caveats.)

“The more you let other people live their lives, the better your life gets.” Mel Robbins

LIFE IS STRESSFUL

Modern life can feel like, according to Robbins, “death by a thousand cuts”—one thing after another that drains us of our most valuable resources—time and energy. Learning how to respond to annoying and stressful situations that occur daily improves your life. Start again by remembering what you control and what you don’t. According to medical sources, 7 in 10 people are living in a chronic state of stress.

The LET THEM theory can reset your stress response. It’s your own personal switch you can use to say this isn’t worth stressing about. Take a deep breath (it works) as you slow your stress response. LET ME is focusing on what you can control. The number #1 cause of life stress for most people is (again according to Robbin’s research)—your manager, or in my terms, your boss. From feeling unappreciated, seeing no opportunities for advancement, micromanaging, etc—these folks have as much impact on your mental health as spouses. If the stress isn’t changing at work, consider changing your response to it. The civil rights movement taught us that responding with love and dignity isn’t surrender—it’s strength. And it doesn’t mean being a doormat.

There will always be people who have a negative opinion of you. LET THEM. Stop being afraid of what people will think of you. Don’t allow this fear from stopping you from trying new things, taking risks, or making small moves that can change your life. If you think you aren’t good enough, ask for whom? Not smart enough, for whom? LET THEM think what they will, and your answer is LET ME do what I want. Make decisions aligned with your values. Robbins adds, “when you are proud of yourself, you hold all the power.” Bend over backwards to make yourself happy because doing so to make others happy won’t guarantee it.

What about difficult people? Family members tend to be harsher to us in person because they often have a stake in your happiness. Or as one therapist says, “if it weren’t for families, I wouldn’t have a business.” Robbins advises using author Lisa Bilyeu’s FRAME OF REFERENCE when considering relationships. It’s a tool designed to understand the lens through which somebody sees something. She tells the story of moving away and being angry at her mother for not supporting her. Now she sees that her mom did love her and didn’t want to lose her. Seeing this event through her mom’s lens was understanding. LET THEM allows you to focus on what YOU can control—your thoughts, actions, energy, etc. When you improve yourself, you also improve all your relationships.

We’ve all had that person in our lives that causes us to walk on eggshells. The adult with an eight-year-old inside acting out. Adults get better at hiding it. Consider that an eight-year-old might shut down while adults act stoic. Or kids pout and adults give the silent treatment. Hoping someone will change keeps you trapped. It’s not your job to manage their emotions. When they throw a tantrum, let them. Then, let me not react. You can’t usually control what is happening around you…just know your emotional responses are automatic. The source of your power is choosing what to do. You are stronger than someone’s emotional response. Let them have their reactions. Let me have mine.

LIFE ISN’T FAIR

Life isn’t about the hand you have been dealt. It’s how you play it, of course. Comparing yourself to other people is unavoidable. Comparing yourself (according to Robbins) to someone else’s luck in life is a WASTE OF TIME. When you compare yourself, you are either teaching or torturing yourself. Beating yourself up over a comparison you can’t change—physical beauty, athleticism, artistic talent, etc. etc. are fixed. Fixating on that isn’t changing anything. Self-esteem is lessened when you make upward comparisons, measuring yourself against people and their attributes you think are better than yours. Let them live their lives. Let me focus on mine.

Here’s a comparison that works for you. Look at aspects of someone else’s life or success that you could create for yourself. Make it your teacher. There’s enough success, happiness, and money to go around for everyone—including you! Use comparison to your advantage. In fact, jealousy could be an invitation to your future self. Their success doesn’t shrink your chances. Robbin’s says, “flip jealousy to inspiration.” Your life is your responsibility.

“The truth is you don’t have to be special. You just have to be what most people aren’t: consistent, determined, and willing to work for it.” Tom Brady

RELATIONSHIPS AND FRIENDSHIPS

In your early years, friendships were more like a group sport. Then in your 20’s—the great scattering. Great friendships are influenced by three pillars: proximity, timing, and energy. When friends drift apart, it’s usually because one of these is missing. A Kansas study suggests to become a casual friend, you need to spend 74 hours with someone. Close friends require over 200 hours. From ages 21-60, you spend more time with co-workers than family and friends.

Timing refers to your current chapter of life. It’s harder to relate to people not in the same chapter. And all those coworkers you spend time with—most are not in the same chapter as you. Energy is clicking with some people. Some people are in our lives for a season, and some will be with you for a lifetime. It’s normal. When someone loses touch, it doesn’t mean you have lost a friend. Let them be distant.

Create new friendships by going first. Introduce yourself. Robbins suggests these tips to create a new community for yourself: Compliment others. Be curious. Smile and say hello to everyone. Join events or classes that interest you. Do all this without expectation. People come in and out of your life. Start creating new connections.

PEOPLE CHANGE WHEN THEY FEEL LIKE IT

People need to feel in charge of their decisions. It’s why when you often push people, they push back. You can’t make someone change but you can influence them. The best thing you can do is to stop pressuring them and LET THEM be. Pressure creates resistance. Meet people where they are because the only behavior change you can control is yours. But you can make someone inspire them to change. How?

Use your influence. Model changes with your behavior and make it look easy and fun. Use Robbin’s ABC Loop tool. A - apologize and ask open ended questions. B - back off and observe behavior. C - celebrate progress while modeling the change. The first step is motivational interviewing—the opposite of pressure. Apologize for appearing to judge but ask them questions. Repeat back their answers. Listen with curiosity and acceptance. Help them feel the tension between their current behavior and what they want. Let them talk. Let me listen. Then do B/C.

A final caveat. If someone is doing something self-destructive or dangerous—DON’T JUST LET THEM. But be careful because the more you try to rescue someone from their own problems, the more likely they will drown from them. Part of healing is facing natural consequences of our actions. You owe people love, acceptance, and compassion—not money. You can’t make someone help by showing up. Let them doesn’t mean leaving them alone. We never know what someone may be going through.

“Stand by their side. Be a beacon of hope. Hold the light high. Believe in their ability to get better.” Mel Robbins

Publisher: Hay House LLC, New York City, NY, 2024